Last night we went to my friend JC’s Christmas party. She usually has at least two big parties a year, and every time I go, I want to hang out with her more than the twice a year I already do. But…I don’t. I have been doing a lot of self analysis recently and have come to the conclusion that I REALLY need to work on the whole “friend” thing.
It’s not that I get too nervous, or that I don’t know anyone at all - I know lots of people. And I really enjoy bullshitting and visiting with random people or even people I already know for 10 or 15 minutes. But it’s what comes after the small talk that I can’t seem to do. The getting together and actually spending time with each other.
Like, I’ll be talking to someone, and I really like them - we have stuff in common, they aren’t boring me, and they seem to like me too. I’ll say, we should hang out sometime! We exchange numbers or whatever, I go on about my life, and I might think about calling them, but I never do. Why?!
I think what I’m dealing with is a personality trait that I’m outgrowing. I had a very sheltered life as a child (being home schooled isn’t the best way to learn to make friends!) and basically grew up with my brothers and sisters. After I left home and as a young adult trying to forge my own identity, I naturally took the loner’s way out and did it all on my lonesome. Of course, I had the company of whatever guy I happened to be seeing that month. Strangely, I did not have a problem with that aspect of my life; guys I was sleeping with never intimidated me (translation - I was a ho-bag for a little while).
Over the last 3 years, I have become a much stronger and more well developed person, but I had Nathan, and I felt perfectly comfortable spending all of my time with him. I never felt a need for more people in my life. But now I’m wondering: how much of this new desire to have friends is a recent development, and how much of it was always there but was being squashed by my lack of self confidence?
My subconscious must be a damn good liar! Or maybe - it’s just that I’ve really changed. I’m enough of a realist to say, whatever it was, let’s move on and do what it takes to be happy now.
Anyway, JC had a gorgeous house, and tons of nice friends, and she was such a gracious hostess that it really made me resolve to try to work on this trait of mine that I don’t like anymore and make some friends of my own. And I’m really excited about it!
She also made me want to have a house. I’m hoping to find a rent house in Austin, but I keep hearing people say that housing is really expensive there. I will keep hoping, but I’ll try not to be too crushed if an apartment is the only option.
Segue…..
I got Nathan to take a few pictures of me, since I felt pretty glam despite having a bad sinus headache. Unfortunately, they aren’t that clear, but I thought they were ok from an “artistic” point of view - you know, tilt your head to the side and squint & all that.
I’m just kidding, I have another one. I call this “awkward elbows pose”. I really need to figure out this whole outfit pictures thing. Peep my thirsty plant in the background!
- Green velvet dress, no label, thrifted (I bought this almost a year ago and I am so glad I finally got to wear it!)
- Black tights, Target
- Gold chain necklace, Word Market
- Purple satin shoes, Nine West (these are some of my favorite shoes ever)
- 1960’s faux fur coat, Dubrowsky and Joseph, via Night of Joy Vintage
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